It is that time again. All the chips are stacked against me, nothing seems to be going my way and it seems like the hits just keep coming while my resources to handle those hits whether financial, social or spiritual continue to dwindle. A person gets to know a great deal about themselves in difficult situations when the totality of your person is stripped bare and there standing before you is you. It is not the artificial made up you that you pony around for the world to see, it’s the true you in all it’s cowardice, fear, self-loathing, heroic, loving and caring self. Difficult times truly do test the very fabric and nature of our souls and make you question everything about who you are and who you believe yourself to be.
On this journey of life and this road to fulfillment I have had to answer those questions many times, really who am I. Am I the hero that I believe myself to be or the coward that is afraid, worried and fragile in the face of adversity. Can I continue forward against these immeasurable odds that seem to grow moment by moment. Do I have the resolve to continue forward and the audacity to believe in myself when there is no visible evidence of why I should do so only my belief that I must. On the other side of this darkness and chaos will there be light or the cruel realization that everything I have believed my entire life has been wrong.
Sometimes I am scared, sometimes I want to give up, sometimes it hurts to continually try so hard and fall so far. Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and don’t recognize who I truly am. Instead I see glimpses of my self staring me back, a shell of myself waffling in the mirror. Sometimes I want to hide away ashamed of how I have failed, of how I continue to struggle, of how I continue to hold on against all hope that through this darkness there is light and that somehow maybe just maybe that light is inside of me. And somehow I will learn to allow this light to shine.
Success does not make great men it is only a result of what has made us great. The internal fortitude the spiritual belief, the faith that has carried us like footsteps in the sand when our egos failed. Yes sometimes I am scared, sometimes I have doubts and sometimes I feel beaten. But still I carry on. In the face of adversity when all seems lost and I feel like I have taken all I can I still get up believing that maybe this will be the time. In the darkness of my despair I still search for the light to shine within me. And when all hope seems lost I continue to believe and move forward. It is not in spite of this but because of this that I am heroic.
Others can believe in me because I am of them, of their fears, their worries, their beliefs and their strength. It is not my lack of fear that makes me great it is my willingness to acknowledge, face, overcome and share it that does. The hardest part of success is to face not only what is before you, but what is within you, to acknowledge who you truly are and deal with it.